Total Transparency
Y’all, not every single day is butterflies and rainbows down here.
Sometimes as Followers of Christ, I think we have to pretend everything is happy all the time. Through this recovery, I’m starting to find that simply is not true.
“2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”
As a kid, I was always told we should ask God to “test” our faith to see if we truly are “faithful” to him in all seasons. For years, I lived in this mindset that faith was nothing but object lesson after object lesson, and that when hard times come our way that means God is trying to teach us or show us areas of our life where we are sinning too much and need to get it together. I firmly believe God allows situations in our life to show us places we need more of him, but this ideology of “God as the Object Lesson Father” was toxic. For years, anytime I experienced hardship my heart immediately felt like I was doing something wrong. Like my actions were angering God, and therefore it was my fault when bad things happened. This verse above instead of being used as a tool of joyful living became a weapon of guilt brought on by years of being told bad things were my fault and God was punishing me to keep me on the “straight and narrow.” We’re unpacking almost 15 years of toxic thinking today.
Admittedly, when we received Atticus’ diagnosis, my brain immediately jumped back into that old mindset of “God the Object Lesson.” My thoughts spiraled out of control recounting the words, mistakes, and mishaps I’d made for the past year and a half and immediately placing blame on myself for my baby boy not being whole. I allowed the enemy to whisper words into my brain like this is your fault, you know? and if you hadn’t___ then ____. I lived in the untruth of my youth that God only brings us hardships when we’ve done something wrong. My friends, if this is you today I am here to tell you there is life outside of this misguided feeling. Because that is exactly what it is, a feeling the enemy uses to distract you from God’s actual truth.
“For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. ”
This verse is often times used in moments of transition; a graduation, marriage, promotion, you name it. However, going through recovery with Atticus and Cameron, I have learned a completely new appreciation for what this verse tells us about the character of God. When you compare the verse in James to the verse here in Jeremiah, we get this beautiful picture about God as a provider, caregiver and promise keeper. You see, instead of weaponizing the verse in James as was done in my youth, this verse shows us that no circumstance surprises our Lord. He knows and sees every situation that comes our way, and has plans for those situations to show us just how good he can, and will be. “The testing of your faith produces perseverance.” As a kid, I used to think this meant proving our faith was strong enough to withstand the world. As an adult, I’m starting to understand this verse means allowing God to stand strong for us, draw closer to him, and allow his strength to fight for us when we just don’t have it in us. Instead of relying on our own perseverance in hardship, God perseveres for us. Instead of relying on our own ability to overcome, God overcomes for us by taking the lead and the load.
Recovery is not a walk in the park. Like at all. There are days when my back hurts so badly I can’t lie down and sleep. Having a baby push on your fresh incision two weeks after surgery is borderline excruciating. Watching your friends and family be able to do life without restrictions is incredibly frustrating when the only thing you are able to do is shower, take care of basic body care, and sit on the couch. It’s lonely when your husband is an hour and a half away. My husband is my best friend, my partner, the one I literally do everything with. Going from seeing him constantly to only a few hours a day on video chat is a different level of heartbreaking that is hard to put into words. You go from being surrounded by people to being left with only your thoughts at times. So I should be happy with this situation because I’m living out James, right?
Wrong, my friends. So wrong. God doesn’t call us to be happy. He calls us to be faithful and joyful. Happiness is contingent. Happiness is fleeting, and depends on the circumstances surrounding your day-to-day to be fulfilled. Happiness is what I’m sure the teachers in my life were confusing with joy when they taught us this verse in Sunday school and church. Joy, however, is a totally different thing. Joy is knowing your life is in the hands of a perfect God that doesn’t make mistakes. Joy is knowing your Lord is sitting with you in the darkest moments of your life whispering, “trust me” when you want to give up and throw in the towel because he sees how all of this will end. Joy is understanding you don’t have to be strong because God is strong for you, so it’s okay to fall apart. Joy is finally realizing God is not an object lesson, but a freedom giver who doesn’t hold our past against us. Joy is knowing God still chooses your life to do incredible things despite the baggage you came with. Joy is also knowing God doesn’t want your happiness, he wants your faithfulness.
When we received Atticus’ diagnosis, I was not happy. I was devastated and heartbroken. And to be completely honest, it took me a while to be joyful and see that God was already working this situation for the good of everyone involved. Atticus’ diagnosis did not give me happiness, but it did teach me to immediately draw close to God. My test of perseverance was actually learning how to come near to the Lord and ask him, “What do I do next?” and then allowing him to take the lead. God knew my next steps, but it was completely up to me to allow him to work those next steps out and allow me to follow without demanding to take control. You see, the verse in Jame isn’t a verse that commands us to ask God to test us so we can see how faithful we are to him. No, friends, it’s a verse that tells us to be filled with joy when hardships arise because God is showing you just how mighty he can be in you and through you. What Satan intends for destruction, he works for greatness even on our worst days. What the enemy designs to destroy our relationship with God and others he turns into strength in ways we never imagined. When he says, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you” he means it. God gives us a future, God is our hope. He is trustworthy with your whole life; not just the pretty, put-together parts.
I would not be able to survive the endless sadness of being separated from my husband day in and day out without those words, “Plans to prosper you.” There is no way I would be able to face the possibility of losing my son to Open Fetal Surgery without, “not to harm you.” I would not be able to mentally be strong when the loneliness of recovery and staying constantly stationary without the promise of “plans to give you hope and a future.” My limitations as a human, especially with feelings that are as changing as the weather in Kentucky, help me understand none of this strength in this journey is because of what I have done. I get angry quickly. I am very fast to jump to the worst-case scenario when things begin to turn south. At times I have a hard time trusting others because I desire to have control of everything around me, and relinquishing control is something that does not come easily. My tongue is sharp, my outlook on life can be negative at first. It is not me who has gotten me through this.
I find joy in this situation because I believe God when he says these things. I can endure these moments because I know God is trustworthy. I can go on in my day-to-day without the fear of God retaliating against my past because he tells me in James, “faith produces perseverance;” not faith produces object lessons to punish you. God is slow to anger, he is quick to forgive. He is loving, trusting, kind; all of the things I struggle with as a person. He is in perfect control!
18 “Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.”
Isaiah 43: 18-19
In all of this, whoever you are that’s reading these words I want you to know your darkest days are not your fault. They are not a punishment for what you’ve done. They are a byproduct of living in a broken world. It’s okay to mourn, grieve, and wonder why. It’s okay to be sad, to cry, to fall apart. It’s okay to wonder why you’re in the situation you’re walking through without knowing where the ending will be. But God gives us this promise in Isaiah that he’s doing a new thing. Even through the sadness, he will guide your path to places you never imagined you could go because of your trust in his ability to take your life and do incredible things with it. Claim it and remind yourself of it daily. Not every single day in recovery is fun. But I know God is taking my feet down a path I couldn’t have created for myself. And though I may not be happy every single moment of this journey, I can tell you with complete honesty I am more joyful than I’ve ever been. I can sit through the pain and uncertainty this part of the story brings because I know my God is good, he takes these horrible situations and always works them out somehow. I know he can, and will do that exact same thing for you, too.
