Not-So-Normal Maternity
Tuesday May 11th was the day I literally threw a pregnancy test at Cameron in frustration. He asked me earlier that night to just try taking another one more time, “Just for me.” If y’all know Cameron well, you know he does not ask for much. Like at all. I just wanted to finish my plate of nachos, but those blue eyes got me one more time and off we went. Not waiting the “mandatory two minutes” (according to the box and Cameron), I stomped back into the kitchen, threw it at him, said, “Satisfied?” and resumed my nachos like I wanted. I remember my brain was swirling with anger because it was the 4th negative test we’d taken that week and it was getting super disheartening to watch one line show up while the other never came. Right as I grabbed my phone, he perked up and slowly said, “Uh…are there supposed to be two lines?”
“Shut up. Give that back.” And with that phrase our lives were officially on this amazing journey together. We ran to Walmart to grab another box of tests and Reese’s Peanut Butter Ice Cream to stress eat and came back for another round of “was this a fluke or not?” Three positive tests later, Cameron and I were officially parents. I’m still trying to figure out who thought we were responsible enough to hold those titles.
Two of the three positive tests. The empty ice cream tub was already in the trash at that time.
An itty, bitty faint positive line from the Life Choice Center in Russellville. Many happy tears were shed that day!
It’s funny how quickly your brain changes when you find out you’re expecting your first baby. You start immediately thinking to yourself, “My gosh…did I drink any alcohol lately? How has my diet been? Have I been around cigarettes too much? How am I going to pay for this kid? Am I really ready to be a mom? Am I going to gain all my weight back again?” After learning about Atticus’ Spina Bifida diagnosis in September, these thoughts quickly came back but for a totally different reason. When you find out your baby boy has a neural tube defect that could be linked to either environment or genetics, you automatically start blaming yourself. No grace at all, it’s immediately your fault. After all, it’s your body that’s carrying him so it has to be something inside of you, right?
I remember thoughts such as, “You didn’t take enough care of yourself. What a selfish thing to do.” When I found out Spina Bifida could possibly be linked to not having enough folic acid in the mother’s diet, my brain flashed back to a conversation with a lady in late May who gave me the advice of taking an extra folic acid supplement before we even learned about his SB diagnosis because, in her words exactly, “No baby deserves to be born with a defect that can be avoided.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve played that conversation over and over in my head since then. I also remember going down the terrible rabbit hole of punishing myself for his diagnosis by mentally berating my ability to care for him even before his sweet arrival on this earth. If I couldn’t care for him while he’s growing inside of me, how would I be able to provide for him once he’s actually here with us? The enemy has an incredible way of using our minds against us in times like this.
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17
At church, one of our pastors talked about how you have to listen to your thoughts and decide where they’re coming from; God or the Enemy? God’s wisdom doesn’t cause chaos, Satan’s does. God’s wisdom doesn’t create anxiety, the Enemy’s does. Those thoughts that were creeping into my brain, the ones I was using to punish myself for some unknown reason were not thoughts that came from Christ and his message of freedom. They were straight lies I allowed the enemy to feed me and live with for weeks. In my heart and mind, I wanted nothing more than a “normal” pregnancy and maternity leave. God had other plans.
Even though it took me a while to want to be a mom in the first place, I will never forget that first surge of joy knowing that Cameron and I were trading in our renegade, nomad ways slinging weights and taking trips all over the southeastern part of the country to become momma and poppa to this little thing growing inside of me. At the time, I left teaching for a season to explore a dream I’d had for a few years. I was in school in Clarksville to become an Aviation Maintenance Technician, leaving little babies to learn how to work on air planes and helicopters. Though I loved what I was learning, early in June I heard God’s voice calling me back to the classroom; a calling Cam and I listened to and obeyed in a little less than 24 hours. The day mom, Cam and I went to BuyBuy Baby to begin working on our registry was other-worldly. I remember looking at the endless aisles of baby things (like literally, y’all, there are a MILLION baby things in this store) wondering, “Will he need a baby wipe warmer? That seems important.” Cameron and I were practically stupid with happiness trying, and failing, to keep our pregnancy a secret because for years we told people we were team no-baby. I will never forget the absolute excitement and weird feeling of Atticus kicking for the very first time while we were watching a movie on a Friday night. My stomach felt like it had little fingers poking it from the inside out. And the absolute celebration of finding out we were having a boy…y’all, there was never a jubilation more grand than the night Jon called us with the news. We were just like everyone else; over the moon excited about bringing this kiddo into our family.
Then it hard-stopped once we got his diagnosis and were set on this path of navigating a baby with exceptional needs. Or so I thought. If I had the ability to do this over again, the first thing I would do is smack myself for even thinking of this diagnosis as an Earth-shattering, tragic event. How naive and selfish to think a diagnosis like this could ever be seen as as anything but a miracle and an opportunity for God to shine. Satan will literally try to steal your joy at every turn when God sets your feet upon His path. April Scipio, an amazing woman of faith who has kept me afloat in so many ways these past few weeks said in her podcast, “If Satan can steal our joy, he can steal our strength.” Those toxic thoughts that crept in early on when we found out about Atticus’ Spina Bifida made their way into my mind again and again. Cam and I were going from buying too many clothes that we didn’t need, to prioritizing our money to prepare for the inevitable medical expenses that were about to roll down. We went from planning Atticus’ The Great Kapok Tree-themed nursery to hard stopping any work on his room to prepare for my three month stay in Nashville. Our social anxiety of sitting through showers with our friends went from anxiously accepting them, to wondering if they were even going to happen. In all of this, Satan was working hard to steal our joy. And for a few days, he was winning. When all you have to do is sit and rest, your mind can be your greatest asset or your biggest enemy.
““If Satan can steal our joy, he can steal our strength.””
When faced with situations like these, I firmly believe God gives us a choice of which direction we’re going to go. Are you going to wallow and allow your thoughts to run wild? Or will you accept the place God has put you right now, and find the joy in the fact that He’s chosen to put you there for a reason? The first two days of being out of the hospital, I lived wallowing in my circumstances. I wouldn’t be able to put my baby’s room together, go to showers, buy things I didn’t need for him, and waddle up and down the school hallways pregnant and miserable chasing 7 year-olds all day. I literally wasn’t even in my own home, but living in the space of a stranger we’d never met. I worried when I went for even an hour without feeling Atticus kick me. I was missing time with my students, time with my friends, my family, the upcoming holidays, the Fall Festival at school, the joys and stresses of teaching, the (insert any other daily item). For all intents and purposes, my life stopped while everyone else got to carry on. My mind was a hurricane of constant anxiety and incredibly deep sadness. I wasn’t having a normal maternity experience, no. But that was NOT the original assignment for us in the first place.
These were just distractions. These were speed bumps meant to destroy us and have us think, “See? God doesn’t actually take care of you.” These were moments in time Satan designed to get us to take our eyes off Christ and the way God has provided for us since the first day we learned about Spina Bifida. We had a big choice to make; would we say, “Yes” to God or “Yes” to listening to Satan’s questioning voice? Isn’t it so frustrating that we know God is good and has our best interests at heart, yet we still struggle with doubt?
In John chapter 9, we learn about Jesus healing a man born blind. I have read this chapter a million times, and have sung lyrics about him healing the blind more times than I can count. However, there is a portion of the verse that should just knock us off our feet if we take a few moments to slow down and absorb it.
“‘…why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?’
‘It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,’ Jesus answered. ‘This happened so the power of God could be seen in him. We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us.’” -John 9:1-4
Y’all, read that again. Let those words sink in! How amazing is it that Jesus took this man’s situation, one he’s had from birth, one most of us would look at and immediately pity or say, “I can’t imagine…” One the disciples looked upon and thought, “I wonder what he/his parents did to deserve this?” And yet Jesus looked at him and immediately used it as a moment to show exactly what God intended to do with this man’s disability. Can you imagine how our perspective would shift if we approached situations like Christ did here? On our darkest days, amid the tears and fear can you imagine the impact that phrase would have on your circumstance? I so wish I could go back to the moment Jon called me and explained what Atticus’ diagnosis meant. I so wish I could reverse and think to myself amidst the tears, the pain, the uncertainty of my beautiful son’s condition, “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.” Guys, that is EXACTLY what is happening with my boy. The power of God is seen IN him. His daily strength to grow strong, survive open fetal surgery, continue to heal and become the perfect boy he was intended to be is all because God chose his situation in which he was born to show the world, his parents, and whoever comes in contact with him just how amazing the power of God truly is.
There are days I get sad I can’t have a maternity experience like everyone else has. One of the biggest side effects of Open Fetal Surgery, especially the way in which my procedure was completed is the possibility of not being able to have children after your SB baby is born. For some who go through this procedure that isn’t a concern. They’ve had the opportunity to have children before this surgery. There are days my heart is just broken because this may be the only opportunity my body has to bring a baby into this world, and it has been anything but “normal.” There are days those toxic thoughts of, “This was your fault” still drift into my mind. There are times I think about all the excitement from before his diagnosis day wishing we could go back to that moment in time because the excitement we feel now is just different. But friends, it’s different because that’s how God intended it to be.
Atticus brings so much joy to our lives already. Cam and I have been given opportunity after opportunity to tell people about the work God has done through this procedure. We have been able to tell about how our little community in Russellville have rallied together to support us in our darkest times, truly living out the commandment to “love each other as you would yourself.” Cameron’s team of soccer families basically made sure every need of ours were met early on with unbelievable gifts and surprises for us two weeks before we left for Nashville. I’ve had beautiful conversations with women I’ve never met before who have gone through similar situations with their children that have gotten me through some of the darkest days of my life when this journey gets to be too much. Those moms have become my great cloud of witnesses whether they realize it or not. I am getting to spend time with my mom I never would have had; building and growing our relationship even deeper than it was before this journey. Our weekly doctor visits are a constant reminder when God says to trust him, he means it. Every time a need has come up and it seems we’re not going to be able to make something happen, God comes through with a phone call, person with connections, or a lab report we’ve anxiously been awaiting. Or sometimes we don’t get an answer because God isn’t ready to take us down that path just yet. Guys, God DOES work! But my question is this: Do you let him work for you? Do you let him work those situations that were meant to destroy you to show the power of God? Or do you do like I did (and still struggle with) and let your thoughts immediately run rampant into despair? Friends, I’m not telling you life will be a cake walk because it certainly won’t. But there is such a feeling of joy when you look at a moment the enemy created to spiral you into pain and panic and through the pain you still choose to say and claim, “This happened so the power of God could be seen.” We have a choice each day on how we will approach the moments in our daily life. Today, my hope for you is that you learn how to look your pain directly in the eye and say, “This was done so the power of God could be seen.” Friends, that is how you claim the power of God and use it. You look at your circumstance, you acknowledge the tears, the gripping, gut-wrenching pain your moment brings and you tell it directly, “This was done so the power of God could be seen.” We serve a truly awesome God, my friends. He understands pain, he understands suffering and tears because he lived it! Go through the first few books of the New Testament and read about Jesus’ life. He knows pain. But he also knows what happens after the pain is done. He knows the goodness God gives to us because he promises to in Philippians 4:7. My friends, if you haven’t yet my hope is that you start to claim that power Jesus talked about to his disciples today. I promise you, I PROMISE you…that is when your life will truly change. Sometimes the best things in our life come when God decides to take you down a not-so-normal path.
