Stay Here.
Motherhood is a trip, y’all.
Cam and I have talked many times since bringing Atticus home about how weird being a parent is. One minute, you’re galivanting across the country visiting places you’ve never been or seen, drinking mixed drinks on a pier overlooking the ocean at 8 a.m. The next minute, you’re singing a song about “poopies” and getting really excited when your newborn finally unplugs himself from being constipated. It’s wild!
Since bringing Atticus home, I’ve been sitting with some things I really didn’t have much time to think about before the quiet of maternity leave. Lately, it’s the idea of accidentally wishing my time away. Maybe you can relate, but one of my biggest character flaws is always thinking about the next step or the end result. My brain naturally leaps to the end result of any situation. When we go on vacation, I’m already dreading the last day when we come home. When we begin a project in our home, I’m already focused on what it needs to look like once all the work is finished. My planner is filled with things that need to get done; dinner plan for next week. Coaching schedule at the gym. Doctor’s appointments for Atticus. What part of the house to clean that day. Tentative return date to school. Our Savannah trip that is literally 5 months away with an itinerary included. Always, always 5 steps ahead. In a roundabout way, the need to constantly plan ahead is one way anxiety decides to manifest itself in my day-to-day life. In Matthew 6, Jesus is giving the second part of his sermon on the mountainside. In verse 25-27, he addresses this need of planning and worrying.
“25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?” - Matthew 6: 25-27
Immediately, I think about my planner. There is nothing wrong with being organized and put together. Where the problem comes is when we get caught up in planning and controlling so far in advance we miss what’s around us.
Last week, we took Atticus to his first Spina Bifida Clinic appointment. Guys, I cannot say it enough but the staff at Monroe Carell Jr. Children’s Hospital are handpicked and blessed by the hand of God to do what they do. Spina Bifida Clinic is a LONG day of doctor’s appointments, MRIs, and waiting. Like, a ton of waiting. Our day started at 10:30 at his urology appointment for a consult and ultrasound to look at his bladder and kidneys. His results came back perfectly for his first scan (a huge praise). While we were sitting and talking to the doctor, he was explaining to us kids with Spina Bifida usually have a progressive loss of renal function simply because of the nature of their diagnosis. This basically means eventually Atticus may have issues with controlling his bladder and kidneys later on in life. The first instance of my brain already looking ahead to the future. As the doctor kept explaining next steps for our boy, my mind was drifting to his teenage years when he possibly would have to sneak out of class to go Cath himself in the bathroom. What would his friends say? Would he be embarrassed? Will this cause him to feel less than when he’s older than what he is right now? A situation that hasn’t even happened yet and already my heart was wrapped up in anxiety thinking about the end result.
“Can all your worries add a single moment in your life?”
Spina Bifida Clinic itself is a revolving door of specialists visits in the span of a few hours. You check in and get vitals taken like a normal visit. Atticus is undressed, weighed, measured, and as his head circumference checked. You are escorted to a cozy exam room where you wait for the first doctor to come in. Outside your exam door is a checklist of all specialists names with an empty box next to it. As they finish their consultation with you they highlight their name and put a check in the box and you wait for the next person to come in. For Atticus, it’s a walk in the park. He is cuddled and held, talked to, loved on and fed in between visits. For parents, its a whole thing. Like a WHOLE thing. The specialists always apologize for the flood of information you get, but with each doctor comes a different report and possible outcomes for Atticus’ future. During his neurologist visit, Atticus’ Chiari Malformation, a diagnosis in which the cerebellum is pulled down through an opening in the skull to the spinal canal, was described as nonexistent. Atticus now has a mild case of ventriculomegaly where the ventricles of his brain are slightly enlarged, but there is no indication of hydrocephalus or Chiari Malformation. Fetal Surgery for us was a complete success.
Through the excitement of this moment we’ve waited for since our diagnosis day in September, my brain in the quietness of my mind asked but this can change at any moment, right? Immediately stealing the joy of the moment for myself.
Being home with Atticus has been the most wonderful thing. Guys, the process of getting to know your child as they grow is amazing. You learn about their quirks and behaviors, their habits and routine. You watch them grow and change every day, turning into this beautiful child that looks nothing like the one you brought home from the hospital. You listen to their voices change each day, and when they learn new tricks and movements….oh my gosh. Seeing him recognize me when I come to get him out of his crib or feeling him relax when he’s picked up and fussy is indescribable. And watching him learn to smile? I love this boy so, so much. But one thought that is in the back of my mind through these sweet moments with my boy is the fact that eventually I have to return back to work. For moms, the anxiety of who is going to watch your baby when you return back to work is insane. You worry about if they will be happy, fed, comfortable. You worry about your pumping schedule while you’re away. You worry about whether going back so soon will mess with their development; will they feel emotionally supported and okay later on in life? Plus the overall interruption to the schedule you curated for this little thing is stressful. For my boy with Spina Bifida, I worry about being at school and something happening and not being there. What happens if his hydrocephalus returns and the caregiver misses the signs? Not to mention the guilt of leaving your child with someone else…and none of this has even happened to me yet.
“Can all your worries add a single moment in your life?”
Guys, I’m learning that sometimes we are the ones that make life more difficult for ourselves. Jesus literally told the masses at the mountain that day God provides for the birds. They don’t worry about food or shelter because it’s been designed to just be there when they need it. So why do we do this to ourselves where we worry or let our minds drift to the end result? We are so focused on the details of life we miss the magic in the moment of just being present. In our Bible study today we read Romans 8:28.
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”- Romans 8:28
Jesus continues his sermon in Matthew:
31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.” -Matthew 6: 31-32
April said this morning God is always working. Jesus confirms that by saying God already knows all your needs. Friends, I struggle with this idea of living in the moment. I struggle with guarding my heart and mind against this anxiety of needing to be so in control that I miss what’s going on in the present. I live by the pages of events written in my planner instead of the words spoken by Jesus. I just think to myself about the birds Jesus spoke of; they don’t worry because they know they will be provided for. It’s frustrating and strange to think I trusted God in the scariest moment of my life in October. But when it comes to the day-to-day, the future, the present time I still question if God will really do it. Isn’t that like the most irritating feeling in the world? You have all of this evidence in your life that God is working, has worked, and will work for you. I hold Atticus in my arms and I am reminded God WORKED. And yet I still question and worry and “what if?” to the point that I miss beautiful moments of life. Maybe this is such a hard thing to do because relinquishing control of even the small things of life really means you totally rely on God and his power, not just in the big moments. I don’t know about you, but for me it’s easier to trust God with the big moments of life. But what would it look like if we gave him the small ones, too? What if we committed to being present in each moment instead of always looking at what’s next? I mean, he did after all tell us not to worry about little things in Matthew. When Jesus asked us if worries can add a single moment to our lives, I think it’s because he knew they could certainly take away these moments in a heartbeat. The moments we spend thinking about the next step, or worrying about (insert here) is a moment lost. It’s a moment lost with our family, our friends. It’s a moment lost being intentional at school with our students, or spending time with a friend who desperately needs us at that time. It’s a moment lost with yourself enjoying the little bits of joy God’s created for your day. This is my biggest struggle, friends, and I am nowhere near having the answers of how to fix it except to say this: When God tells you not to worry, there’s a reason. Living with those what-ifs, worries, plans, and details certainly don’t add to life; I can already feel moments I’ve missed with Atticus by focusing on them. My commitment is going to be to recognize when my brain starts thinking too far ahead and reminding myself of Matthew 6:27. I certainly hope you can do this for yourself, as well.
27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” -Matthew 6:27-34
