Atticus Rust
My life briefly stopped at 5:30 on September 10th in Clarksville, Tennessee driving through the city with my mother. We had been happily driving around shopping and celebrating our new ultrasound images after my 20 week scan at Jenny Stewart Medical Center. We went to T.J. Maxx and bought baby things we didn’t actually need, and were heading to our favorite coffee place when my phone buzzed with an update on MyChart. Totally not thinking anything would be wrong, I opened the radiologists notes. From that moment on, my life would literally never be the same.
“There is a partially cystic mass arising from the lumbosacral spine. This measures approximately 2.8 cm in greatest dimension and is concerning for a meningocele.”
In that moment, I felt for the first time what people meant when they say time “freezes” in place. My mom continued talking, the car continued driving, but my mind was focused on that one phrase; “concerning for a meningocele.” Google can be a blessing and a curse, and in our case it was our worst enemy. Fervidly, my fingers began searching “meningocele” watching document after document pop up describing Spina Bifida, mortality rates, treatment plans, and various Mayo Clinic documents about fetal surgery and the like. Finally, my mom snapped me out of my stupor and I was finally able to tell her. “I think there’s something wrong with Atticus.” The heaviness of that sentence just hung in the air and is something I will never forget. The fear on her face, the fear in my heart, and the fact that my husband was 45 miles away from me with no clue as to what was going on. Screenshotting the results to both my OBGYN and Cameron, I sat there in the car unable to speak because in my mind this wasn’t happening. My amazing mother kept calm and asked questions like, “What did it say?” “How do you feel?” “What can I do?” It’s crazy how quickly you can go from totally carefree to paralyzed by fear in a matter of seconds. I remember thinking to myself, “God, is this just a typo? Is this just a fluke on the scan?” But it wasn’t a fluke or a typo, and little did I know it would be the beginning of the greatest adventure my husband and I would embark upon in our 5 years of marriage thus far.
Fetal Center- Children’s Hospital
On September 10th, our son was unofficially diagnosed with the most severe form of Spina Bifida, myelomeningocele. In the span of a few hours we went from a “normal” young couple expecting their first child, to a couple with a million questions unanswered and an unknown future ahead of us. But y’all, let me tell you that diagnosis was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to us. Being told your baby has a condition that is not able to be cured can be the biggest gut punch you’ll endure as a new parent. I remember thinking there was something I did or didn’t do that didn’t make my baby “whole,” and immediately started blaming myself for his diagnosis. Throughout that entire Friday night, I just remember crying while looking at his sweet face from the ultrasound thinking it was my fault that he would have to endure this disease because his mother wasn’t enough when he was growing to provide him a safe environment for all of his body to form perfectly. That Saturday we had planned our gender reveal with our family and friends. Early that morning, Cameron, mom and I went to Walmart to pick up supplies for the party. There was a little boy hanging off the edge of the cart as his dad pushed him through the store, and I remember thinking, “Will my boy be able to do that, too?” Through more tears and brokenness, we put on a brave face and celebrated with our friends as we announced we were finally having a little boy; his diagnosis hanging heavily over all of us who already knew. However, this moment is where our narrative started to change for the better.
“2 Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”
Psalm 103:2-5
In the hours that passed after our gender reveal, I felt a change in my heart like I’d never felt before. God chose us to be Atticus’ parents. God chose us to be the spiritual guidance for our baby as he faces Spina Bifida. God chose Cameron and myself to go on this adventure with our boy, all the twists and turns his life would bring. This was not a diagnosis meant to destroy us. This was a diagnosis meant to empower us. Little did we know just how empowering this boy would be in the coming weeks.
So far in this journey, I have learned a very important lesson: you either trust God, or you don’t. There’s no other way to put it. You either give your life completely to the Lord, or you give it lip service until difficulties come and your trust is given its ultimate test. Learning how to TRULY trust in the Lord has been the biggest blessing in mine and Cameron’s life, and has truly liberated us of so much anxiety and stress. Y’all, God is good and He is able to be trusted. When he told us in Joshua “I will be with you always” He means it. He is with you in your darkest moment. He is with you when you’re flying high in life. He is with you when everything is status quo, and He is with you when you just don’t understand where you’re going. When you truly give yourself to God and tell him “my life is yours,” you will find yourself in places you never imagined. And I have learned that isn’t always a negative thing. I never imagined I’d be faced with having a baby with a special need, an extensive surgery, and a life forever changed. But God did.
Exodus 15:2
“The Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him.”
We still have many unknowns in this journey with Atticus. But like I told my friends the day after surgery, I will gladly take the hills and the valleys, because I KNOW who walks the valley with me.
