Marathon.

It’s been a hot second.

I’m sitting here on the floor, surrounded by toys and getting kicked with a little foot. This is now the third time I’ve put him back on his play blanket. My back is hurting, he’s rolling like a madman, and I just can’t help but be thankful for this little chaotic, messy moment. I know it only goes up from here as far as the energy, the mess and stress. But one thing these past few months have taught me is not to get caught up in, “I can’t wait until…”

I have written and re-written this blog post so many times because my heart just can’t settle on what to write about. From March to now, there have been so many moments, good and bad, where it’s just smacked us in the face how good God truly is. Like y’all, have you ever just stopped and thought about your life up to this point? Every moment, every triumph, heartache, every change, swerve and gear shift? My friends, if you don’t listen to April Scipio’s morning show videos, you need to; hit me up so I can get you access. This week our focus in our weekly Bible study has been, “I Know Who my God is.” That question really just smacked me in the face this morning. Do I know who God is?

I can answer that with a resounding yes.

This time last year, Cameron and I were totally unaware of Atticus’ diagnosis and just getting into a routine with the beginning of the school year. We were running around like crazy people balancing school, soccer, and coaching at the gym while trying to make sure we had everything planned to get finished before little man’s arrival in January. I distinctly remember one point where we sat down with my planner and began writing out when we would get things like his nursery finished, our baby showers planned, and how we were going to navigate holiday travel with me being incredibly pregnant. It wasn’t in our realm of reality for planning something like Fetal Surgery, Spina Bifida or a pregnancy spent in another city and state…or so I thought. You see, around this time I began feeling a sense of unease about Atticus I couldn’t explain. Our church had just begun 21 Days of Prayer and we were given prayer books to help with our time spent with God in the mornings for these days. One specifically stood out to me, the protection prayer. One night as I was sitting down to do my nightly devotional and prayer, and overwhelming sense of urgency came over me to pray for my son, though I didn’t know why. It wasn’t panic. It wasn’t fear, it was just simply urgency. I didn’t tell Cameron because it didn’t feel bad. I simply wrote in my prayer journal, “Atticus- healthy pregnancy.” Those words in hindsight were the beginning of my marathon.

I know who God is because I’ve seen him every single day since September 10, 2021.

I know who God is because he has been preparing me for this marathon long before Cameron and I decided to have a baby.

I know who God is because before I was even a thought in this world, he had a plan for my life and a purposeful way of directing my steps to get there.

If you all know me at all, you know I HATE running. Like princess-fit in-the-doorway-of-the-garage-door-complaining-about-how-running-is-pointless-and-painful hate it. I categorize my fitness friends into two spots; those who hate running like me and wrong. That’s it. So you can imagine the absolute frustration when I look at my workouts for the week and see any type of running in the programming, no matter how long or short the distance. Automatically, I’m planning to sub that run out with a ski machine or a bike because your girl ain’t doing it. It’s so stupid to me to be pounding the pavement for a pointless distance with nothing to distract you from the pain inside your lungs. Your feet start aching because you forget to stay on the balls of your feet, and I don’t care what CrossFit companies say…their shoes are not made for running. The sun is at your back making the air so thick and heavy so now not only are you gasping for air, but you’re inhaling your own sweat at the same time. And DON’T get me started on people who TALK to you while running. Like, who are you? Can you not make this miserable experience even worse by trying to carry on a conversation with me? Y’all, moral of the story I hate running. Hate it. Hate it.

Thankfully, God is the ultimate conditioning coach. As much as I hate running is as much as I hate sudden, unexpected life change. If you’ve taken an enneagram personality test, you know Type 1 is the Perfectionist. Nothing out of order, nothing unaccounted. So when things become out of order and unaccounted, chaos hits and we dissolve into depreciating our worth. We didn’t do something right and now chaos is the result. When I’m running during a workout, one of the biggest feelings of defeat is when I have to stop and walk for a few meters. My brain begins absolutely tearing myself apart; you can clean a heavy barbell for reps, but you can’t run 400 meters without stopping? Are you really in shape, or do you just like lifting heavy things because it’s easy? The same thing happens when unexpected life change appears; you should have taken more folic acid because now you’ve set your son up for a lifetime of difficulty because you were too selfish to take extra precaution in the early days of pregnancy. A good coach knows the first step to creating an indestructible athlete is fixing the mindset first. You can’t outperform a brain that tears you down when adversity hits. I know my God is the ultimate conditioning coach because that has been my marathon journey since Atticus’ diagnosis day last year; mindset.

Your mindset with God will either serve you or destroy you; God doesn’t change. Your mindset does.

“Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.”- Proverbs 28:26

Your mind will tell you all sorts of untruths, whether it’s in your training or in your life. For me, my mind was telling me Atticus’ diagnosis was a product of my inability to care for myself. My God tells me to not trust my own mind, it won’t tell me the truth all the time.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” - Proverbs 3:5-6

Your mind will tell you God has abandoned you in your darkest moment, and that the only person you can trust is yourself. For me, my mind was telling me God was going to take my son and my life would be a tragedy. My God tells me to not try and figure things out for myself, but let him in and let him work.

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” -2 Timothy 1:7

Your mind will tell you to be afraid when unexpected change happens in life; especially when it’s tragic or bad. For me, my mind was telling me to be afraid of Fetal Surgery, recovery, and my son’s diagnosis once we left the hospital. It could never work out that his diagnosis would be a blessing. My God tells me my spirit is full of power to overcome fear. My spirit is full of love for my son, regardless of a medical diagnosis. My spirit is full of self-control; I CAN control my mind because I know the truth my feet are planted on.

“God LEADS us; not leaves us. God is WITH us. He knows the next step and how our feet should walk. But it’s our responsibility to take a step back and allow him that opportunity to take us there. ”

You see, when you’re running long distance sometimes your breathing gets away from you, your heartrate spikes and you begin to panic. You start breathing harder, faster, you feel lightheaded and like you can’t breathe at all. But a seasoned, disciplined athlete whose coach has taught them how to control their panic under pressure will begin to slow their pace. They will begin to breathe through their nose in long breaths, shake their hands out to release tension from their shoulders and start counting, “1-2-1-2” to get their pace under control. Life is no different. When tragedy strikes whether it’s a medical emergency, loss of life, a job fell through, children are sick, an unexpected diagnosis or news from a family member, we start to panic. Our bodies begin doing the exact same thing when we’re under pressure while running. We start breathing faster, our minds start racing, we feel like we can’t breathe at all. But y’all we HAVE to remember who is walking with us.

“…He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me…” Psalm 23: 1-6

Our God does not leave us when we’re in our darkest moments. He walks BESIDE us, coaching us, fixing our “1-2” pace on the truths of the Bible about his character, and what he will DO for us when these moments hit. But it’s up to us to train our minds to fixate on the truths of God’s character instead of allowing our circumstances to occupy every ounce of headspace we have. God LEADS us; not leaves us. God is WITH us. He knows the next step and how our feet should walk. But it’s our responsibility to take a step back and allow him that opportunity to take us there.

The past 7 months with Atticus have honestly been filled with more joyful moments than sad moments, if we’re being honest. Daily, Cameron and I are met with the reality that our son has a medical diagnosis that will be with him the rest of his life. We are heartbroken when we see him struggle to do things babies his age should be able to do. We are met with the reality each day that our son could have multiple surgeries on his body as his condition changes and grows with him, and that we might find ourselves in scary situations that are completely out of our control. We know we will have to watch our son be upset in the future about his body and why it’s so different than his friends. I know as a mom, I will have to eventually hold my son as he’s crying because he just wants to be, “normal.” I KNOW this. But I also know my son has overcome challenges in the first 7 months of his life many people won’t experience in their entire lifetime. I see the determination on my son’s face to stand, walk, bounce, and jump even though his feet get out from underneath him sometimes. I see the absolute joy on his face when he sees his family and friends, and I watch his little nose wrinkle up when he smiles at them and reaches out of my arms and into theirs. I see how peacefully he sleeps without pain. I see how much joy he brings to those around him; complete strangers we’ve never met before have come up to us and said, “He is just so happy!” I see my God working each day in my son. I see my God taking a situation that should have destroyed us and instead is restoring us and strengthening us as a family. I see how strong my marriage has become as a result of this. I see my GOD.

I hate running, but this is a marathon I gladly run. I gladly wake up in the morning and say, “Yes” to God’s plans with my life, my son and my future because it is something even better than what I imagined this time last year. I wake up in the morning ready to take on whatever unknown challenge lies ahead because I know my God, my coach, my support is matching me pace-for-pace. I acknowledge when I feel those feelings of fear, heaviness, anxiety, helplessness and worry because they are important to recognize. But I am choosing no longer to give them power. I know where my help comes from. I know who has my future. I know who guides my steps and gives me the capacity to keep going on the worst and darkest days.

“I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you-- the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”- Psalm 121