In Progress.
We had a scare with Atticus this week.
During our last visit to SB clinic, Atticus’ head circumference grew 3 centimeters. In the SB world, head growth is something you have to keep an eye on because it indicates hydrocephalus and pressure changes in the brain. At the time, Cameron and I didn’t think anything of it because we were reassured he was stable and growing well, but then all that changed a week later on a Friday when we received a message from the Neurosurgery team at Vanderbilt that they wanted to see Atticus for a follow-up. Up until this point, we’ve NEVER had a request for an external follow-up from any of his providers. A week later, we were on a call with his neurologist asking him to bring Atticus in for ocular testing just to make sure his brain pressures were normal. For the rest of the week, we waited silently for his appointment day to arrive.
Right now is the season of Lent, a time in the church for penance, fasting and almsgiving. I made the decision to fast from social media simply because it can be a distraction for me throughout the day, and it seemed like a good thing to take a break from in order to focus in on God for 40 continuous days. When Lent started, I was under the impression that the “struggle” would come from the temptation to log into my social media accounts while at work because I had unfettered access to them, or I would forget about my decision to log off and accidentally open a Facebook page sent to me by a friend. In hindsight, it seems rather elementary to think that was the only thing I could be asked to worry about. In reality, God was preparing me for 40 days of focusing on Surrender.
In my last post (or one of them, they start to run together after a while!), I talked about how God was asking me to surrender my anxiety to him on the evenings before SB clinic, and instead of focusing on the “what-ifs” of his appointments, focus on God and his amazing capacity in my son’s life instead. I was so encouraged the weekend before this last SB clinic because we had a wonderful Sunday as a family, enjoying each other and playing with all the things in our house with Atticus. We went outside, played on all of his toys, worked on his progressive art piece on his easel and treated him to “tay-tots” from Sonic to prepare. The night before, I slept peacefully and woke up with great excitement in my heart I’d never felt before going to Nashville. I felt like I finally was starting to make headway on truly giving up control on my anxiety when it came to my son’s care. The day of, we had a great clinic visit despite Atticus being wary of every doctor, nurse or care provider who came into his room. Even through his big urodynamics test where Cameron and I had to help calm him while they inserted catheters into his body, we were still able to experience joy when talking to the doctor about Atticus, our lives at home and the amazing things our boy does. On the way home, Cameron and I talked about how easy SB clinic is becoming and how regular it feels instead of daunting like it used to be. We proceeded to have a great week after filled with joy at our jobs and time at home.
At 2:30 the following Friday, we were desperately messaging and calling the Neuro team at Vanderbilt trying to schedule his follow-up for the coming week, the joy we experienced all of a sudden turned back into uncertainty and a small dose of fear. Atticus was fine, we had been reassured that multiple times during our clinic visit on Monday… why now?
I’ll be honest, I still deal with the temptation to feel like the proverbial shoe is about to drop when it comes to Atticus’ diagnosis outcome, and I think it will just be a thing I always concern myself over as he grows and becomes more independent. I’m working right now on restructuring that thought process into being ready for whatever comes without fixating on what could happen when it comes to his future. It’s a hard process, but it’s one that is definitely more fruitful than constant anxiety over things I cannot control. So when the message popped up from from Vanderbilt about coming back down for more testing, I remember thinking to myself, “Why am I always asked for this big faith ALL THE TIME?” I sat and held Atticus while he was watching Mickey Mouse Fun House feeling so defeated spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I texted my best friend and told her what was happening, I texted Cameron asking what he thought we should do. I remember thinking, “I need to call them and make them tell me why we need a follow-up,” but the one thing I was still hesitant to do was stop and ask myself, “What is God wanting here?” As much personal work as I’d done on giving up control and working to trust God and surrender everything I had to Him, I still immediately began the checklist of, “YOU need to do this.” It was so defeating. I felt like a failure the minute I realized what I was starting to do.
But God.
It’s my favorite phrase because those two words carry so much impact.
In recent months they’ve been hijacked to be a kitschy phrase you see on social media posts, but when you return them to their correct meaning they truly pack a spiritual punch.
Genesis 31:7
Yet your father has cheated me and changed my wages ten times. But God did not permit him to harm me.
Deuteronomy 7:7-8T
he LORD did not love you and choose you because you outnumbered other peoples; you were the smallest nation on earth. But the LORD loved you and wanted to keep the promise that he made to your ancestors. That is why he saved you by his great might and set you free from slavery to the king of Egypt.
1 Kings 5:4
But now the LORD my God has given me rest on every side, and there is no adversary or disaster.
Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Jonah 2:6
To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you, LORD my God, brought my life up from the pit.
Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.
Acts 3:15
You killed the author of life, but God raised him from the dead.
Ephesians 2:1,3;4-5
And you were dead in the trespasses and sins. . . and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved . . .
These verses show the impact of “But God” through the lenses of time. From Genesis to the end of the Bible, and continuing on through our human history there has always been “But God.”
In the moments that followed us receiving the message from Vanderbilt, I started going down the path that was most comfortable to me, which was figuring out how to control every aspect of that situation; not for myself, but to protect my son. While intentionally good, the choice of that response was to immediately abandon God’s care and try to do it alone…again. But God.
Sunday at Mass, Father Ken was delivering a message from Genesis and the story of Abraham and Isaac. Again, a story I’ve written on before, but this time it took new meaning to me because of where I was at this point in time. Like Abraham, I begged God for a child and was told to wait. Like Abraham, I trusted God completely with my son and knew he would follow through with his promise to provide, especially with his diagnosis and care. And now, like Abraham, I was being asked how far I would go to surrender my son to God and trust in His goodness and what he asked of me. I wasn’t being called to “big faith.” I was being called to surrender.
In his novena, Servant of God Don Dolindo Ruotolo writes a beautiful meditation prayer on what it means to fully surrender to God and his plan for your life. Jesus talks to us in this prayer as if He is face to face with us and truly tells us when we are asked to give anything and everything over to Him, what that looks like in a practical way.
“Why do you confuse yourselves by worrying? Leave the care of your affairs to me and everything will be peaceful. I say to you in truth that every act of true, blind, complete surrender to me produces the effect that you desire and resolves all difficult situations.
Surrender to me does not mean to fret, to be upset, or to lose hope, nor does it mean offering to me a worried prayer asking me to follow you and change your worry into prayer. It is against this surrender, deeply against it, to worry, to be nervous and to desire to think about the consequences of anything.
It is like the confusion that children feel when they ask their mother to see to their needs, and then try to take care of those needs for themselves so that their childlike efforts get in their mother’s way. Surrender means to placidly close the eyes of the soul, to turn away from thoughts of tribulation and to put yourself in my care, so that only I act, saying, ‘You take care of it.’"
But see, that’s exactly where I was in that moment. I was asking God to help me, but only in the way I wanted it. It was like I was telling him, “I’ll surrender to you…but only if you can guarantee (insert request).” That’s not surrender. In a roundabout way, that is an attempt to manipulate God to do what I want under the guise of prayer. It hit me that Sunday that I was still in progress, and that this part would be a little more of a fight than the last.
Abraham willingly offered up Isaac to God when he was asked. Abraham knew that by doing so, God would still keep his promise to him no matter what would happen after. In his obedience, God provided a ram to Abraham in place of his son. This story was the first of God’s revealing His plan to us that we will be delivered one day through His son, and that our struggles will forever be redeemed in His time. I don’t want my son to suffer. I don’t want his heart to ever be broken, and I am so willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen that I try and protect him from the very plan of God’s hand in his life that I prayed for when we first found out I was pregnant. Though my intentions in keeping him safe were pure, they were also hindering God from doing in Atticus’ life what he needed. Was I willing to offer my son up to God like Abraham and Isaac? Like Hannah and Samuel? Like Mary and Jesus? This was a pivotal answer that was going to dictate the relationship with God for the rest of my life, and it was on a very short turnaround time. His appointment was Tuesday. This was the Sunday before.
That night, I went to bed and resumed a posture I am all too comfortable with; tearfully praying to God on behalf of Atticus. Would I surrender my son to God and trust Him? Or would I be the child telling my parent how to care for me? Would I responsibly care for Atticus by responding appropriately to whatever comes up in his path, or would I so desperately try to shield him from everything that it put God at a distance from him? I mean, in a round about way I felt myself begging God if there was any way I could suffer in his stead to let me do it! But what would that breed in Atticus in the future? Was I willing to play that game and have the outcome be even worse than if I would have trusted God in the first place? I mean, these were the thoughts racing through my brain as I cried at my bedside begging God to let me have the pain, the fear and suffering instead of Atticus. I literally felt like I was physically fighting with my spirit. It was exhausting. But God.
“O Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything!”
This phrase isn’t a “get out of responsibility” card that you pray when you don’t want to handle something in your life, but an admittance of God’s pure, unadulterated love for His children, and how much he wants to be in our mess, pain and joys in life. By telling Jesus, “I surrender myself to you, take care of everything!” we aren’t getting out of responsibilities and pretending that issues don’t exist. Instead, we are acknowledging that, now and forever, we need Christ to help us on a daily basis. Through all the pain, fears and what-ifs, the “why me” and uncertainty….surrendering in this way lets God move.
We received good news at Vanderbilt on Tuesday and got the confirmation that he was growing appropriately and that, in the doctor’s words, “He might just have a big head.” Anyone who has seen Cameron can attest this child has no chance of being tiny at any point in his life. But more importantly, I am convinced this little hiccup occurred to show Cameron and I that surrendering our child to God’s care will always be the best way in life. Jesus knows fear and uncertainty; in the Garden before his crucifixion, he asked God to take away his cup if it was God’s will. But then he surrendered to the Will of God and was crucified so we could have access to the same promises He was sent to earth to fulfill so we could have unfettered access to the Father. God knows there will be trials and pain in life, but He also provides a way for us to run to Him when we just need to Hide beneath his wings and be reminded that everything will be okay.
My dad used to tell me that God accounts for your stupidity when He appoints a calling to your life. Personally, I’m thankful for that accounting because I know my “stupidity” will always be the temptation to control things on my own. I’ve always been strong willed (to a fault, my parents would say!) and I see that same strong will in Atticus, which is both a blessing and a mighty curse, let me tell you. But one thing I am certain on and will never falter….God has plans for my son. I am a steward of my child who ultimately doesn’t belong to me; he belongs to the Father. Thankfully, I was chosen to be his mother and I will do my best to raise him to love God and surrender to him without fear or hesitation. I am also thankful for these blips and hiccups because they remind me that without Christ, I am uncapable. With Christ, I am unstoppable. And with Christ, my son will be, too, no matter what comes into his path.
The Surrender Novena is a beautiful prayer, no matter what church affiliation you belong to. If you’re interested or curious, it is linked below. I highly recommend you keep this in your spiritual arsenal, and just give God a chance to call you to surrender whatever it is you’re afraid to let go of and see what happens. Whether it’s your child, a family member, situation at home or something you don’t ever want to speak out loud, you can never go wrong with opening that part of your heart up to the Lord and seeing what He does with it.
As always, I am praying for you.
https://catholicexchange.com/the-surrender-novena-let-jesus-take-care-of-everything/
